My Night With the Coreys

I had previously written this entry on seeing the Coreys on my old blog, and I decided to re-post it here after hearing the news of Corey Haim dying from an accidental overdose. His death, unfortunately, doesn't come as a huge surprise -- but it's still sad nonetheless. My entry makes fun of the Coreys, so if you are offended by this, I suggest you not read on.

1/22/2007

One unsuspecting night I get a phone call from Emma. She alerts me that the Coreys are performing together in Vancouver tomorrow. My first impression was that this was a joke. Beautiful, earth shattering events like that just don't happen to me. I remember discussing the Coreys with Emma a few days earlier (questioning her choice of Corey Feldman over Corey Haim), so I thought that was too coincidental to be true. But could she lie to me like that? Probably not. I imagine her to be the kind that can't help but to giggle a little bit or have a slight voice change when she lies. But I digress... A few seconds into the conversation, and I come to find out this event is for real. My next thought was, "wait a minute, they're performing together? What the hell does that mean?" I searched my mind for possible talents the Coreys could do on a stage together. Since a heroin-shooting contest or a blowjob contest was out, my next thought was they'd do something improv. Something Whose Line Is It Anyway? Essentially, something bad. Then my ears began to tingle when I heard it was a concert. As in singing, possibly original songs, and most definitely derision. I was pumped!

But the next morning, in the daylight, I thought to myself "wait a minute. Do I really want to see this trainwreck?" Feelings of laziness started to take over. Do I really want to drive out there to see something that's just a novelty? When I could just stay home in my pajamas and watch Next Great Chef. But upon further thought, and reading on the club website that the concert was going to be filmed for a reality show featuring the Coreys, I changed my mind. I decided I couldn't pass this up. The novelty of it all was the best part -- not the detracting factor. I could not pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity (yes, it is). Plus, it was a free concert! You just needed to bring a can of food to donate to the food bank. You can't argue with free admission and hungry children!

We get to the club, and there's already a line forming in the front. I didn't expect the line to be as big as it was. Part of me thought this will draw a big crowd because it's fucking hilarious. The other part of me thought it would be our group of people and then two other people (the webmaster of the #1 Unofficial Corey Haim website and the webmaster of the #1 Unofficial Corey Feldman website). So I was excited to see a lot of people. We walk past those huge filming lights set up on the sidewalk, and take our spot in line behind a group of really drunk, skanky chicks. I said to Eagan "ten bucks says one of the girls in front of us takes her top off during the show and shakes her sick, sag-bags in the Coreys' direction." I came close [more on that later].

Soon enough the camera crew comes out and starts filming the line. They just kept going up and down the line, demanding people to scream and make a lot of noise (demanding people to be more excited than they really were). It's the weirdest feeling being filmed. My body just seems to shut down and I go into panic mode. I don't know what I should do. You don't want to acknowledge the camera is there because then you risk looking like one of those idiots that really want to be on TV. But you don't want to be one of those people that is obviously turning away from the camera, because then you just look like a shy loser. And you don't want to sit there grimacing, but you don't want to look like you're having too good of a time, as if you were a real Corey fan. I wanted to make a t-shirt that said "no, no, I'm here for ironic reasons." But from the look of the people in the line, I realized that 95% of the people in line were there for ironic reasons. And it was painfully obvious which people made up the other 5%.

The doors were supposed to open at 8:00, but they didn't. I think they were trying to delay the door-opening as long as possible in hopes that the line would get even longer, so the line footage would seem more impressive than it really was. I mean I was impressed by the length of the line -- considering this was a fucking joke to nearly everyone. However, the Coreys on the other hand [particularly Feldman] I don't think were aware of this. I think Corey F. thought people were really there to hear his music. Ah, delusions of grandeur. I can totally imagine them splicing the film from the three times they went up and down the line to make it look like the line was longer than it really was. If on the reality show you see that I'm a sextuplet and we all decided to be in different spots in the line...you'll know.

Once we get inside, we see Corey Haim. He looks way less bloated since the last time I saw him (on TV). He wasn't "Corey Haim-in-his-heyday hot", but he looked decent. And I was shocked at how short he was. He was probably 5'5" or 5'6". For some reason, I always imagined him to be taller. He seemed taller on film. Maybe because he was always next to short people (Corey Feldman included, who is probably 5'4". It was cute seeing the various microphone stands on the stage, and the one in the center was about six inches lower than the others. I think we know who's mic stand that was).

Then Corey Haim went on stage and introduced Corey Feldman's band. Wait a minute?!? Corey Haim isn't in the band?!? I came here for a double bill, I better see some Feldman-on-Haim action! Anyway...the back-up band comes out and starts playing. Totally building up the moment. The music is crescendoing. The fog machine is going crazy. All of a sudden a big spotlight comes on, and Corey Feldman appears from under the stage on one of those rising platforms. He is in an all black outfit including a black velvet top hat, black leather gloves, and big black sunglasses. He dances around the stage for a few minutes (he is a good dancer. I'll give him that. He was still doing those Michael Jackson-esque moves he used to do when he tried to be Michael Jackson in the 80's). Finally he starts singing, and it just doesn't get any better than this. He wasn't a bad singer, he just wasn't good. And the songs were like bluesy, rock-ish, college-band-esque. It's hard to definitively describe what they were like because they were kind of all over the place. But Corey really took himself seriously. He explained what songs were about and how much they meant to him "This song is about the fucking war! I'm sick of seeing people go into graves...you guys know what I'm talking about, you're Canadian, YEAH!" And that particular song had some amazing lyrics -- "take my hand...take a stand..." kind of stuff. At one point he sings a song that appears "on my first album, as well as my third." That makes no sense, but...wait, did he just say he had at least three albums?!? Another highlight of the concert is when he covered Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" and played the piano. Wait, "highlight" isn't the word I'm looking for...

Just about every song he did a costume change. At one point he was wearing one of those "tattoo shirts". Where, from afar, it looks like one has full chest and back tattoos, but then you see the wrinkles in their shirt...

Also, at two different points in the show he brought two nasty chicks in bikinis on stage. But, to his credit, he brought his wife on stage twice too. At least he's fair.

Meanwhile, Corey Haim is just wandering around the floor of the club. Pretty much hitting the bar every ten minutes and hitting on the bartender. Once he was at the bar we were able to see him really close up, and we saw that he had a gash on his forehead. I bet he totally got it from hitting his head on the toilet in a public restroom after passing out from a drug binge. Oh yeah, and he had a lollipop in his mouth the whole night. Probably laced with acid.

Finally, the last song, Corey Haim gets called on stage. The Coreys hug each other. It's cute. Seeing the Coreys hug in the 2000s is like seeing a unicorn in a rainbow-misted field. Corey F. sings and Corey H. just wanders around the stage harrassing the musicians in the band and playing bongos. Then a girl jumps on stage. Guess who? One of the drunk, skanky girls that was in front of us in the line. She starts dancing all skanky up against Corey Feldman. Then the bikini chicks come back out, and Corey puts his arms around the two bikini girls. Then the crazy, drunk, skanky chick runs up to the three of them and put her arms around them too. Then a bunch of other people jump on the stage. But that one crazy, drunk, skanky girl kept trying to be front and center, or close to Corey F. Then Corey Feldman's wife starts passing out cans of silly string to people on stage, and they all start shooting it into the audience (man, the budget for this show must have been off the charts!). Then at the end Corey F. thanks the audience for being so awesome and coming out on such short notice (once again, thinking people are really here to hear his music). Corey then hugs his wife...and then crazy, drunk, skanky chick nuzzles herself in between them. Not exactly showing her tits, but close enough.

Corey Feldman -- the master himself. First outfit.

Check out his awesome tattoos and washboard abs

Corey Haim -- he's the one with the shag carpet-trimmed jacket (at least that's what it looks like). Look how everyone is taller than him, except my friend in the purple shirt and black vest. She is 5'4 and just barely shorter than him.

Corey Haim involved in what looks like a drug deal

A gash on the forehead. Drinking shots. Potential acid lollipop. Satan in the background. A day in the life of Corey Haim.

The closest I'm going to get to Feldman-on-Haim action. Check out Haim playing the bongos in the background (lollipop in mouth).

I'm forever grateful for tall Eagan taking these wonderful pictures for me, as I was too short to get any decent shots. Though I did manage to get the bar shots with Corey Haim. Thank god this night was documented, otherwise people wouldn't believe me. Also, when the reality show came out, in the concert episode you could see Eagan standing in line. But I was being blocked by some tall people. Lame!

Celebrity Accessories

When I first saw Sarah Jessica Parker on the red carpet last night I thought I saw her holding a cigarette in between her fingers. 'Sarah, whose cigarette are you wearing?! Is that a Chanel filter?' Turns out it was just a crazy, death spike ring.

Say Wha?!

In an interesting New York Times Magazine article on Joanna Newsom, the author was trying to make the point that Joanna is an amazing musician -- which I agree with. However, this is what the author said:

As a musician -- in pure "chops" terms -- Newsom has more in common with people like Eddie Van Halen and Wynton Marsalis than with indie stars like [Devendra] Banhart and the Decemberists. "I still don't think most people realize quite how great a musician she is," says Neal Morgan, who drums in Newsom's touring band.

Like I said, Joanna does indeed have "musical chops" and is more than just an "indie star" (playing the harp is very impressive). However, I don't know how The Decemberists are used as a contrasting example. How are they lumped into the non-musical-chops group? When thinking of indie musicians with extreme musical ability, The Decemberists usually come to my mind first. Their albums are full of complex, instrument-laden arrangements. The liner notes of their albums read like a musical instrument encyclopedia. In addition to the typical guitar/bass/piano/drums, the members also play a 12-string guitar, upright bass (plucked and bowed), accordion, Hammond organ, pedal steel guitar, lap steel guitar, Dobro, banjo, cello, violin, mandolin, Wurlitzer, theremin, bouzouki, melodica, pump organ, Moog, glockenspiel, Oberheim synthesizer, square neck guitar, hurdy gurdy, hammered dulcimer...and I assume there's more. And that's just among 5 members (though the violin was played by a 6th member that is no longer in the group...however, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the five can play violin as well). Not only do they have the ability to play a wealth of instruments, but they play them well. I'm thinking about Part 2 of The Decemberists song The Island (The Landlord's Daughter) and how fast they're all playing those instruments. My head nearly exploded when I heard that song for the first time. It's not my favorite Decemberists' song, but the way they play those instruments...damn.

In Case Your Mule Trivia Isn't Where It Should Be

I read an interesting article in The New Yorker by Susan Orlean about the use of mules in the military (especially in places like Afghanistan, where the mules carry huge loads and are able to traverse hazardous mountain passes like the Hindu Kush). She also discussed the history and modern-use of mules. Honestly, Susan Orlean can make anything fascinating. And I like trivia as much as the next person (ok, I probably like trivia more than the next person), so I was actually fascinated to learn new stuff about mules. For example:

[A mule] will carry as much as three hundred pounds, seven hours a day, twenty days straight, without complaint, strolling along under the huge, heavy cargo as if it were a bag of balloons. On the other hand, a mule knows its limits. It is characteristic of the breed to have an inviolable commitment to self-preservation, which is often misinterpreted as stubbornness. In truth, it is probably a form of genius. A horse will eat until it founders and dies; a mule will only snack, even if it happens upon an open bin of oats. A horse can be enticed to gallop, fatally, over a cliff. In 1942, the Army was researching ways to deliver mules to combat zones. Someone thought that teaching the animals to skydive would be a good way to do this. As an experiment, twelve mules were fitted with parachutes and taken up in a cargo plane. The first six, caught by surprise, were pushed out the door and immediately fell to their deaths. The next six survived. This is because they must have figured out what was going on and absolutely refused to go near the door.

The mule's commitment to survival is interesting in a Darwinian context, because mules -- the hybrid result of mating a male donkey with a female horse -- have an uneven number of chromosomes and are therefore sterile. Every mule, then, is sui generis; it leaves no legacy beyond itself, no radiating gene pool to mark its visit to this world. It is as if each mule knew that it had one shot at being here on earth, and risky behavior, such as jumping out of an airplane at ten thousand feet, would interfere with that. Even the sheer persistence of the breed seems a stroke of genius. Since a horse and a donkey rarely mate on their own, mules are essentially man-made. It has been a successful invention -- in fact, mules are probably the most successful and enduring animal hybrid, with beefalo coming in a distant second.

If you breed in the reverse -- a male horse and a female donkey -- the offspring is called a hinny. Some people think that hinnies are harder to breed, others that they get the worst of both parents; either way, hinnies are far less popular than mules.

A 2008 study of mule cognition at the University of Sussex found that mules, over all, not only understood things better than either horses or donkeys but were also better at following instructions.

Crash Blossom

A headline from the Edinburgh News:

Number of Lothian patients made ill by drinking rockets.

At first glance, you think the patients are drinking rockets. But then you come to find out that it's actually saying that the number of patients getting ill from drinking is rocketing.

Are You There Kris Kristofferson? It's Me, Heather.

Kris Kristofferson is everywhere. You're just living your life, minding your own business, when suddenly Kris randomly appears. This guy has been everywhere. I suspect he was at the Last Supper, was one of the original framers of the U.S. Constitution, witnessed the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, knocked down the first portion of the Berlin Wall, and was one of the vote-counters during the Florida recount for the 2000 presidential election. He's done everything and he's been everywhere.

He appeared in Sports Illustrated when he was in college because of his achievements in football, rugby, and track and field. You're flipping through some 1950s edition of Sports Illustrated, do you expect to see Kris Kristofferson's face? No. You just got Kris-Kristoffersoned.

He earned a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford and got a graduate degree in literature (!).

He was a captain in the U.S. Army.

Guess who was a janitor at Columbia studios, sweeping the floor, while Bob Dylan was there recording his "Blonde on Blonde" album? Kris Kristofferson.

Who worked as a commercial helicopter pilot, and landed his helicopter in Johnny Cash's yard to grab his attention and to give him tapes of his music? Kris Kristofferson. Kris made Johnny listen to "Sunday Morning Coming Down" before he agreed to remove the helicopter.

It was while he was singing Kris Kristofferson's song "Sunday Morning Coming Down" that Johnny Cash got in trouble with the censors. Johnny recorded the song live on The Johnny Cash Show, and before the show, ABC censors told Johnny to change the lyric "Wishing, lord, that I was stoned" to "Wishing, lord, that I was home." When the show came on live, Johnny sang it the way Kris wrote it and he even enunciated the word "stoned".

Kris Kristofferson wrote "Me and Bobby McGee". And he dated Janis Joplin.

He also wrote songs made famous by lots of musicians like Waylon Jennings, Ray Price, Johnny Cash, and Willie Nelson.

In addition to being a songwriter, he's a singer/musician himself. He won a Grammy for country song of the year in 1971 for "Help Me Make It Through the Night."

Willie Nelson actually released an album called "Willie Nelson Sings Kris Kristofferson".

He won a Golden Globe for Best Actor for the movie "A Star is Born".

He dated Barbra Streisand.

He was married to the singer Rita Coolidge.

His name has also been thrown around as one of the possible muses for Carly Simon's song "You're So Vain."

There was a music project (a supergroup, if you will) in the 1980s that consisted of Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Brenda Lee, and...Kris Kristofferson.

Then there was another supergroup called the Highwaymen that featured Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, and...Kris Kristofferson.

He's inducted in the Songwriters Hall of Fame and the Country Music Hall of Fame.

He's inducted in the Texas Film Hall of Fame.

Remember that crazy Pee-Wee Herman movie, "Big Top Pee-Wee"? Well guess who was the ring leader of the circus? Kris Kristofferson.

He's also that crazy old guy in the Blade movies.

Apparently, he was also in "He's Just Not That Into You."

Have you found yourself watching "The Land Before Time VI" and thinking to yourself there's a voice that sounds familiar? It's Kris Kristofferson.

Did you ever see the Bob Dylan biopic "I'm Not There"? Kris Kristofferson was the narrator.

He's friends with Muhammad Ali (oh yeah, and everyone. He's just friends with everyone).

Remember when Sinead O'Connor performed on Saturday Night Live and ripped a picture of the Pope? And people were kind of pissed off about that. And then she was to perform at a concert in New York City and she was booed off stage. And she ran off the stage, crying? Guess who was standing in the wings and immediately hugged her once she came off stage? Kris Kristofferson.

Kris Kristofferson and his music is even referenced in Martin Scorsese's movie "Taxi Driver". Betsy tells Travis that he reminds her of a Kris Kristofferson song. Then Travis goes out and buys the album.

When Cameron Crowe was doing research for "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", he posed as a high school student. Rumor has it that the principal was not thrilled with the idea, but when he asked Crowe about what musicians that he had met (as he was a music journalist for Rolling Stone), he mentioned Kris Kristofferson. As the principal was a big fan of Kristofferson, he agreed to let Cameron stay on campus. While I doubt the validity of this story, it's another example of Kris permeating pop culture and urban legend.

He's one of the few male celebrities to appear as a model in both Playboy and Playgirl.

He is omnipresent.

Recent Dispatches

Russia experienced their worst ever performance in the winter Olympics in Vancouver. They ended up in 11th place for the medal count and "only" got three gold medals. President Medvedev said the Russian Olympic officials should resign. He said they "should take the brave decision and submit their resignations. If they cannot do it, we will help them." [Emphasis added]. Yikes. When your country kind of has a reputation for being corrupt and heavy-handed, the last thing you want to do is say something that sounds menacing. Eagan said if the Russian Olympic officials aren't careful, they're going to be "resigned" to the bottom of a river.

Russia's performance in Vancouver and the country's subsequent outburst of anger and disappointment makes me concerned for the the next winter games...that are going to be held in Russia. I don't even want to think about what lengths they're going to go to to make sure they "own the podium" in 2014. After Evan Lysacek won the gold medal in figure skating against Russian skater Evgeni Plushenko, even Putin said Plushenko was robbed. Evan joked in an interview, when asked if he would compete in the 2014 games to defend his gold medal, that he probably won't even be allowed in the country to compete.

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It was reported that approximately 50% of the Canadian population (16.6 million viewers) watched the entire gold medal hockey game on Sunday. And 80% of the Canadian population watched some part of the game. That is one universally loved sport in Canada. The closest equivalent for the U.S. that I could think of is the Superbowl. Not everyone watches the Superbowl in the U.S., but it is a pretty big event and lots of people watch it (and more people watch it than regular football games). This year's Superbowl even had a record breaking number of 106.5 million viewers. While that is more than three times Canada's population, that only translates to about 1/3 of the U.S. population. So even with something big like the Superbowl, only 1/3 of our country watched. So those that were sad that the U.S. lost the gold medal hockey game, just imagine how devastated the Canadian population would have been if they lost. Eighty-percent (plus) of the population would probably be on suicide watch. Whereas, I would speculate 80% of the U.S. population didn't even know there was a hockey game on Sunday.

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Julianne Moore has confirmed that she will make an appearance on the soap opera "As the World Turns." She will have a walk-on appearance. Julianne Moore first got her start on the soap in 1985 and she even earned a daytime Emmy in 1988 for her role. The show is ending in September after being on for 54 years.
First of all, I think it's cute that Julianne Moore is going back to show her appreciation for the show that gave her a start. I'm sure there are actors of her caliber that wouldn't go back because they're "too good" for the show now (Rick Springfield, I'm looking at you) -- even though the show is ending and its a good way to pay their last respects, so to speak. I love Julianne Moore. Second of all, 54 years?!? That blows my mind.

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Gary Coleman suffered a seizure on the set of "The Insider". But what really caught my attention in the article was "...and [Gary] received immediate treatment from Dr. Drew Pinsky, who happened to be on the set as well." Is there anything Dr. Drew doesn't do?! That guy is almost in as many places as Kris Kristofferson.

Plus, I'm glad Gary Coleman didn't have a stroke...because then the puns would be a-flying (but, as is, thank goodness he had something "diff'rent" than a stroke) [I had to].

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The Price is Right is having even more legal problems with their models. Does that show ever learn?! Now a former Price is Right model filed a lawsuit because she was harassed and discriminated against for being pregnant. Producers on the show made rude remarks about her pregnancy, her appearance, her weight, and her eating habits. And she was not allowed to return to work after her pregnancy leave. In the past, the show has been sued by the models for sexual harassment, age discrimination, and weight discrimination.

Eagan said the moral of the story is to always remember to spay and neuter your models.

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Martin Scorsese is the latest to sing the praises of 3-D movies. He said he'd love to do one. He said, "We see in depth, for the most part. We go to the theatre -- it's in depth. Why couldn't a film like 'Precious' be in 3-D? It should be." Yeah, because explicit physical and sexual abuse is something I want to feel is popping out of the screen and right up in my face.

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Apparently a stun gun was delivered recently to the Jackson family estate (where Michael Jackson's kids are living) and child service workers are investigating the incident. But all is well, it turns out it was just Jermaine's 13 year old son that had ordered it (not Jermajesty, but another one. I think it was JerJester...). And why shouldn't a 13 year old be mail-ordering a Taser? Sounds like a typical day in Jacksonville, if you ask me. Oh wait, that's a real city... My apologies to Jacksonville (Florida, Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Maryland, Missouri, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Vermont, and West Virginia. But I'm not apologizing to Jacksonville, Texas. Did you know Ryan Adams is from Jacksonville, North Carolina? And he frequently references it in his songs. )

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Umm, this is kind of awkward. There has been a 13-year legal battle between OJ Simpson's sports agent and Fred Goldman, the father of Ron Goldman (the man OJ Simpson was accused of murdering, along with his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson). Both of the men claim the right to the suit, shirt, and tie that OJ was wearing when he was acquitted of murder charges. I don't really understand why either of them wanted those clothes in their possession (yeah, I get it, they wanted to make money off of them. But still. I don't get it. ). So a deal was reached with a judge. They decided to donate the outfit to the Smithsonian Institution. The donation would be made in the name of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Can you imagine how awkward that would be seeing that display in the Smithsonian American History museum, with a little placard next to it with the names of these murder victims? Yikes.

One problem, the Smithsonian rejected them. I think their press release said something like 'Hell no, we're not getting involved with this shit.' Now those involved are looking for another museum or institution of higher learning to give the suit to. Good luck.

If you look close enough, you can see the ten foot pole in the background that the Smithsonian Institution refuses to even touch his suit with.