Snappy Comebacks to Loaded Questions

I recently finished reading the humorous memoir Everything Is Going To Be Great by Rachel Shukert. It's in the same vein as David Sedaris or Sloane Crosley books.  Rachel is extremely witty and she knocks out snappy one-liners like it's nothing. A lot of the book is about her travels in Europe (and her crazy relationships and all the trouble she gets into). One part of the book I absolutely loved and found to be really hilarious was this list she created on how to deal with anti-Americanism in Europe.

Snappy Comebacks to Loaded Questions

They ask: Are Americans religious because they are stupid, or just ignorant?

What they want you to say: Both! How did you know?

What you'll probably say: Well, Americans have always had a deeply Puritanical streak bequeathed to us by our founders, although the methodical stirring up of cultural resentment for political purposes began in earnest on a mass level during the Reagan administration...(yawn).

What you should say: Americans aren't religious. They're just saying that to avoid sex with you. 

They ask: Why are Americans so fat?

What they want you to say: Because we're big greedy pigs obsessed with gobbling up more than our fair share of all the world's resources

What you'll probably say: Well, there are a lot of factors, like our fast food culture and the breakdown of family meals, and the fact that so few American cities are pedestrian friendly, and poverty has a lot to do with it too...(trail off embarrassedly, wondering if they're actually talking about you).

What you should say: They aren't fat. They are world-class athletes who are part of a top-secret program by the government to at last seize international sumo wrestling supremacy from Japan. 

They ask: Why do Americans cruelly refuse to provide public health care for all?

What they want you to say: Because Americans are terrible, venal people with no regard for human life.

What you'll probably say: Because our deeply dehumanizing free-market culture worships profits before all and because many of the authors of legislation designed to correct this are wholly owned subsidiaries of the private insurance industry.

What you should say: Because we're following through with the eugenics program you guys were too chickenshit to finish.

They ask: Do you not find that America is a very racist society?

What they want you to say: Yes. Unlike the traditional haven of tolerance that is Central Europe [she was in Austria at the time, and she experienced anti-Semitism while there], America is full of hatred and every day I weep with shame.

What you'll probably say: Well, the legacy of slavery is certainly damaging, and there remains a certain amount of institutional racism, but class remains the true divider in American society. 

What you should say: Talk to me when you've got your own black president.