I Knew There Was Something Missing In My Life...

The WE tv network has a new reality show called "Sunset Daze", and it features eight retirees living in a retirement community (I guess the new euphemism is "restricted-age village"?) in Arizona. This New York Times article already has me sold.

Reasons why I need to see this show:

1. It's described as "The Golden Girls" meets "Jersey Shore" -- which is just like peanut butter and jelly, if you ask me.

2. One retiree, Joanne Hauncher, 63, drives recklessly on busy streets in her golf cart. And she has painted-on eyebrows. And she says stuff like, "Rules are made to be broken. I'm too old to be spanked. Wait. Scratch that!"

3. Joanne, at age 63, is considered a youngster compared to her cast mates.

4. Joanne and her friends refer to themselves as the Hos. They're a golfing clique (scandalous!). They have nicknames for each other like Hi Ho, Ida Ho (I bet you can't guess what state she's from. Oh and how perfect would it be if her best friend was Uda Ho!), and Slow Ho (because she had a hip replacement. Is it wrong that I find that funny?)

5. In the first episode there's talk about vibrators and going commando (not wearing underwear).

6. Another cast mate, Gail Liebowitz, a retired New York actress, has bright red hair (the article says it's "candy apple-colored". Great description. I would also just call it "old lady red" -- which is related to, but not the same as, "old lady purple" and "old lady orange"). And her hair is styled in a giant flip that her gay son does for her. He calls the look "Lesley Gore on crack". And that's exactly what it is. Check out the picture. I couldn't have said it better myself.

LaWanda, Gail's gay son, Gail, Jack, Joanne, and Sandy

7. Gail's gay son is also featured on the show (what retirement community show would be complete without a hanger-on child?) . I'm sure he'll be full of zippy one-liners -- like when Gail said she felt the show was going to be a success and she could "feel it in [her] bones." Her son responded, "That's arthritis." I imagine he calls her "Ma!" a lot. On one episode, Gail attends a gay rodeo with her son and becomes friends with two drag queens.

8. Jack Zells, 72, is a member of a local singles club and goes by Mr. Romeo. He has a dirty sense of humor. He wears track suits. On one episode he rides in a stunt plane (obviously set up by the producers) and he experiences projectile vomiting. Another episode features his hernia operation. And apparently there's also footage of him getting out of his shower. I cannot afford to miss these episodes!

9. LaWanda Price, 74, is a dancer and she goes by the nickname "Hot Legs".

10. Another unnamed cast member is an ex-nun (just stop right there, I'm already sold), and she likes to drink and sky dive (you just topped yourself!).

11. Sandy Miracle-Jones (sounds like a drag queen name), 68, is a widow that goes on dates set up by Joanne. She is described as a sassy blonde that drinks a lot. It sounds like the most common phrase uttered out of her mouth is "double pinot grigio."

The show starts tomorrow. Now I just need to figure out what channel WE is and if I even have it. Unfortunately I have never caught any programming on WE -- I guess because all of my wedding show needs are taken care of (and non-existent). The WE airs Amazing Wedding Cakes, Bridezillas, Girl Meets Gown, My Fair Wedding, Platinum Weddings, Rich Bride Poor Bride, Wedding Cake Wars, and Wedding Central Presents. Wow. And then mixed in with all the wedding and baby programming are crime shows: The FBI Files (a show on behind-the-scenes forensic case work), Unforgivable Crimes, and Women Behind Bars. They even have a special coming up called Women on Death Row. I guess babies, weddings, and crime is the winning combination when it comes to female viewers?