This Show Needs to be Made

The New Yorker had a piece about two producers that are trying to get a Russian-American equivalent of Jersey Shore picked up. The show is called "Brighton Beach" (as in the Russian enclave in Brooklyn. You remember Edward Norton's racist monologue from 25th Hour -- "Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach, mobster thugs sittings in cafes, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth."). In the article the two producers discuss their ideas for the show.

Posted on their ["Brighton Beach"] Facebook page [is] a picture of a klatsch of fur-clad women. "Classic BB - babushkas chillin' on skameyechkas," the caption read. One of the prospective show's 3,954 fans wrote, "Blyat, I'm SO EXCITED for this."

This sure gets me excited for the show. I for one am totally looking forward to seeing an alkash and a bolvan get derganyy over a goluboy zhrat borscht. Who's with me?!

The producers said they are looking for certain archetypes [in terms of casting for the show]:

"A very straightforward ethnic Russian who's proud of the motherland," a Russian Jew, someone from the Caucasus. "We want to, in some way, create a microcosm of the former Soviet Union in the house."

Are you for real? These are not "archetypes" that the average American is going to recognize (let alone the crowd that watches Jersey Shore). It's not like Real World archetypes where there's the gay guy; the girl from a conservative, religious family that claims to have never met a gay person before; the guy with the 'roid rage that also has an alcohol problem and gets sent home early for fighting, etc. Viewers aren't going to watch and say, "Oh that's definitely the guy from The Caucasus. It's so obvious. I can definitely predict what path he'll be taking in this house..." I doubt many of the viewers will know what or where The Caucasus region is. Very few Americans are going to be able to differentiate those cast members. I doubt I'll be hearing many viewer discussions like this, "What a huge surprise, the Georgian and the Muscovite are fighting over who gets to have the master bedroom. So typical. And don't even get me started on how the Ukrainian house mate is feeling inferior and demanding everyone speak Ukrainian. She looked so angry, I thought she was going to poison someone! I'm so excited for next week's episode -- it looks like the Muscovite is demanding that everyone has to pay more rent and the Ukrainian gets so mad she threatens to cut off the power. And the Kosovar keeps threatening to leave and start his own show. And the Chechen is not looking too happy, as usual...Drama!" (There's some geopolitical humor for you. You're welcome). I imagine it will more be like, "And then this Russki got mad at that Russki. And then that other Russki was drinking vodka. And then another Russki was dancing to euro techno with that sleazy Russki."

The producers do not yet have a deal to make the show, but, so far, they have received hundreds of audition videos. "Yesterday someone posted a twenty-two-minute-long tape. He was showing off his Russian motorcycle, and his mom kept interrupting. He went downstairs to show us his dad, and his dad's like, 'Get the fuck out of here.' Then he drove to his grandparents' house, and they tried to sneak candy into his pockets." ... Russians, the producers said, put a lot of stickers on their cars. They bring cash to weddings, not blenders. "A lot of people we've seen have two unrelated jobs, like an optometrist and a d.j."

I definitely need more Russian friends...

The producers talking about how to decorate the house in "Brighton Beach":

"A lot of Russian homes are very modern -- not like, Design Within Research modern but Euro-doesn't-really-go-well-together modern."

I absolutely love that quote. That's definitely my new favorite kind of "modern".

The family-planning policies of the former Soviet Union, Diznik pointed out, promised a high-drama environment: "Put a bunch of only children together in a room, and everyone thinks they're the most important."

I repeat, this show absolutely needs to be made.