Oh Canada!

It looks like Canada will be getting their first pay TV porn channel this fall. I didn't realize that Canada didn't previously have one. But I do remember that a basic cable channel in Canada would sometimes play T&A/SkinEMax type movies at like 10:30 PM on a Friday night. One night I was flipping through the channels and I was quickly startled by what I saw on basic cable. See, in the U.S., our basic cable network channels include NBC, ABC, CBS. Their basic cable network channels include CTV, CityTV, Global. And those channels play the shows that are on NBC/ABC/CBS -- but they mix and match shows. For example, CTV would play the new American Idol episode (a Fox show) and then right after that would be the new episode of The Mentalist (a CBS show), then the new Law & Order SVU (an NBC show), then the new The Daily Show and The Colbert Ropert (Comedy Central). If a new American show came on while I was in Canada, I had no idea what network was producing the show. When I would come back to the U.S., I would have to figure out what network that show was actually on. Wow, I went off on a tangent. To make a long story short, a channel like CityTV is similar to like NBC or ABC...can you imagine NBC playing a softcore porn movie on a Friday night at like 10:30 PM? Anyway, I guess Canadian cable services have had pay TV adult content, but the programming was from U.S. suppliers. So this will be the first Canadian adult channel.

And guess what it's called? Vanessa! (No exclamation mark in the title, I added that. I think if they were to add an exclamation mark to the title, making it Vanessa!, that it would almost be too sexy for Canada). Naming your adult channel Vanessa just seems very...Canadian. Haha. It reminds me of Charlotte from Sex and the City naming her vagina "Rebecca". If I were to turn on Vanessa (and if Vanessa were to turn me on. ohhh yeeeah!), I would imagine that I would see happily married, egalitarian partners going at it for 15 minutes while wearing flannel nightgowns and wool socks, while CBC radio plays in the background (CBC Radio One, of course).

"Get ready, 'cause here I come"

And sure enough, the Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission said that Vanessa has to follow industry codes on violence and "equitable portrayals" of the sexes. Oh, I love Canada. Plus, they must air at least 20% Canadian content. In Canada, they have rules like that in the entertainment industry that require a certain amount of Canadian involvement/participation. Like a TV channel has to play a certain percentage of Canadian shows, at least a certain portion of a radio station's programming must be dedicated to Canadian musicians, and for a movie to be publicly funded in Canada at least one of the two main actors have to be Canadian (though I think the Canadian government is actually looking to change that rule to boost their box office appeal).

The requirement to have least 20% Canadian content on Vanessa probably means that there will be Mounties and/or hockey themed porn. Or porn versions of their movies and TV shows, like Corner Ass (Corner Gas). Or good samaritan porn -- I'm sure that's a Canadian fetish. Where the whole movie is just people returning wallets to other people, or someone getting out of their car to stop traffic so that a family of ducks can cross the road unharmed, or someone shoveling the snow off their neighbors' sidewalks ('Yeah! You shovel that snow! Do the right thing! Mmmm!'). I can also imagine a doctor-themed movie. After a patient sleeps with their hot doctor, the patient says, "How much do I owe you? *Wink*". The doctor replies, "Nothing. This service has been provided to you free of charge by our single-payer system. No one should be denied the care they seek."

Oh yeah and did I mention this channel is Montreal-based and is a French-language channel? The English counterpart is supposed to reach the rest of Canada in 2011 (assuming cable and satellite TV services agree to carry the channel). If only 20% of the content has to be Canadian, I assume there will be some U.S-originated content. Now does this mean these programs will be dubbed in French?! If so, I hope a lot of "huh-huh-huh" guttural laughing and "oh la la"s are added. Or will there be French subtitles? Because that would be awesome. That would really class up the joint.