Tai Shan

Tai Shan is the panda that was born here in DC and lived at the National Zoo for his whole life thus far. He was returned to China the other day, as he technically belongs to China. Tai Shan and his parents are only on loan to the U.S. from China. Tai Shan has returned to China to fulfill his breeding duties. The Washington Post wrote an article on his return to China, and quite possibly had the most depressing title: "For Tai Shan, voyage to China is a trip to obscurity and sex." That sounds like the tagline of a disturbing David Lynch/Lars von Trier/Darren Aronofsky film.

If I sufficiently anthropomorphize Tai Shan (which I always do), what I took from this depressing article is that:

1. He stress-ate all the way from the U.S. to China.

"As throngs of Chinese reporters and corporate sponsors mobbed him, he calmly stared through his bamboo-filled glass cage and did what he always does: He ate. In fact, Tai Shan was so busy chewing that he barely slept during the 15.5 hour flight, officials said. He munched his way through forty pounds of bamboo, three pounds of pears, and two pounds of apples as the plane made its way through Canada and the North Atlantic. He ate over Norway, into Russia and past Kazakhstan and, finally, into China. He was still chewing on the last of his food when Nicole Meese, the panda's main keeper during his 4.5 years at the National Zoo, handed off responsibility for taking care of Tai Shan to her Chinese counterpart Wu Daifu."

2. His child-star days are over.

"His primary job will no longer be to delight tourists; it will be to breed. In the United States, Tai Shan was special, the only baby panda to survive past infancy in the nation's capital. But at the panda center in the lush mountains of south-central China, he will be just one of 150. Gone are the days of custom-made birthday cakes, waterfalls, and fans cheering his every move. Chinese officials here say that they will feel no need to make special accommodations for Tai Shan in housing, food, or language. If conditions are not to his liking, he'll have to adjust."

3. He'll be turned into a sex machine and he is forced to watch porn.

"Tai Shan won't be put into the center's breeding program right away because the success rate is higher when males are [about] 7 years old, making 2012 the ideal year. But he will start psychological training, researchers said. He'll be shown videos of pandas mating and get to hear tapes of female pandas calling for mates."